I love when people watch me live. It's enticing...in that "I wish I could shoot you without being imprisoned" kinda way. It's fulfilling...because, when people watch me live, I feel like I must be 1000x more interesting than anything else in their pathetic, tortured, popular opinion-driven lives.
And by "watch me live" I mean, stalk me or judge me while sitting in the bay windows of their pathetic cottage-like minds. I love when people make little gargling sounds when I walk by. Groans...like they're in agony because my smile is so abnormally sincere. I am consumed with glee when I'm in a restaurant, and I laugh 12 decibels louder than the appropriate indoor level, and some angry black lady wrinkles her ugly nose and frowns at me and whoever I'm laughing with. That's exciting. Why? Because my life is unusually fabulous and every person who life-stalks me by pessimistically watching every move I make, is just a part of a very important audience. I would be nothing without those who hate me. I would be bored...and insanely average...if I didn't have people who couldn't stand the idea of me being successful and fulfilled.
There are people, in and around my life, who try(try=pretend)to be happy for me and celebrate my accomplishments but instead, my progress seems to sit in their jealous stomachs like an inflamed tumor. They can't be happy for me because their lives are so mediocre, so pathetic that the sight of someone growing and prevailing is nauseating for them. So...even though I see them watching me/hating me...and I know they would assassinate me if there were no consequences...I'm still overwhelmed with appreciation. Because, if it weren't for them, I would have no idea how magnificently important I am.
So instead of growling, "WHAT...are you looking at?" when people life-stalk me...I'd like to accept the role as the most fascinating, beautiful person that they know. It's an honor. Really. I'm humbled by this opportunity ;-)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
If Only You Knew...
Some of us waste our lives...obsessed with and infused by fear. Even our risks are calculated, thought out, and analyzed. People think we're edgy and rebellious. They admire the way we go against the grain, refusing to care what people think. Everyone knows that we'll do whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it. We're untameable. We move with the wind and we refuse to commit to anything but life itself.
Yes indeed. We're so damn cool from surface-view. Everybody wants to be like us. But, there's only one problem. We hate ourselves.
The most rebellious people I know, including myself, are obsessed with order. We hunger for lives that mimic movies (fairy tales). We want a spouse who won't ever leave or cheat. We want low-risk jobs that overpay. We want houses with picket fences. We want our parents to live forever and be the ideal grandparents to our ideal children. We want it all...and somewhere along the way...we realized that having it all wasn't an option. And since most of us live with an "all or nothing" mentality...we give up on everything that we really want in order to avoid dying from the heartbreak that accompanies disappointment. We figure that if we don't expect much for ourselves, life will be easier and less eventful.
Each time we're hurt or let down, our standards lower. Instead of the fairy-tale marriages we once dreamt of, we start looking for lovers who can't cause pain...who aren't powerful enough to break our hearts. We start holding on to people who aren't worth our time...because they keep us comfortable. And when family/friends tell us that we can do better...we spit in their faces and defensively protect our little, raggedy ass piece of the pie.
And relationships aren't the most brutal example. We perform below our potential in almost every area of life. We want so much, but settle for mediocre lives that are typical and, well, downright pathetic. And as sad as that is, most of us will acknowledge that truth and do nothing about it. We'd rather protect pride and egos than share ourselves with people and opportunities that could change us forever.
I don't want to be the rebel without a cause anymore. I don't want to sabotage myself anymore. I don't want to give all of myself to someone else in order to avoid giving myself to, well, MYSELF. It's just ridiculously foolish to live life halfway. I'd rather start to chase the things I want and deserve, no matter how terrified I get, than to sit back and safely try to slide through this miraculous life.
I believe that this life has beautiful opportunities for me, waiting just beyond the darkest forest I'll ever know. I think that, on the other side of that massive mountain, my promised land is complete with a beautiful marriage...healthy children...a fulfilling career...and the strength to face every giant that attempts to intimidate and break me.
So how about you? What are you waiting for? If only you knew...how much this life has to offer you, you would get off your scared ass and join me. You'd chase your dreams relentlessly. ;-)
Yes indeed. We're so damn cool from surface-view. Everybody wants to be like us. But, there's only one problem. We hate ourselves.
The most rebellious people I know, including myself, are obsessed with order. We hunger for lives that mimic movies (fairy tales). We want a spouse who won't ever leave or cheat. We want low-risk jobs that overpay. We want houses with picket fences. We want our parents to live forever and be the ideal grandparents to our ideal children. We want it all...and somewhere along the way...we realized that having it all wasn't an option. And since most of us live with an "all or nothing" mentality...we give up on everything that we really want in order to avoid dying from the heartbreak that accompanies disappointment. We figure that if we don't expect much for ourselves, life will be easier and less eventful.
Each time we're hurt or let down, our standards lower. Instead of the fairy-tale marriages we once dreamt of, we start looking for lovers who can't cause pain...who aren't powerful enough to break our hearts. We start holding on to people who aren't worth our time...because they keep us comfortable. And when family/friends tell us that we can do better...we spit in their faces and defensively protect our little, raggedy ass piece of the pie.
And relationships aren't the most brutal example. We perform below our potential in almost every area of life. We want so much, but settle for mediocre lives that are typical and, well, downright pathetic. And as sad as that is, most of us will acknowledge that truth and do nothing about it. We'd rather protect pride and egos than share ourselves with people and opportunities that could change us forever.
I don't want to be the rebel without a cause anymore. I don't want to sabotage myself anymore. I don't want to give all of myself to someone else in order to avoid giving myself to, well, MYSELF. It's just ridiculously foolish to live life halfway. I'd rather start to chase the things I want and deserve, no matter how terrified I get, than to sit back and safely try to slide through this miraculous life.
I believe that this life has beautiful opportunities for me, waiting just beyond the darkest forest I'll ever know. I think that, on the other side of that massive mountain, my promised land is complete with a beautiful marriage...healthy children...a fulfilling career...and the strength to face every giant that attempts to intimidate and break me.
So how about you? What are you waiting for? If only you knew...how much this life has to offer you, you would get off your scared ass and join me. You'd chase your dreams relentlessly. ;-)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
CASH your reality check here!
I spend a lot of time...waste a lot of time worrying about days that I may not live to see. This recession has changed me...transformed me into a paranoid prick. I don't want to take risks anymore, don't want to explore the world. All I want to do...try to do is save for the rainy days that I now pessimistically expect. When I spend money, I feel guilty. When I eat out, I feel guilty. I have these goals that taunt me in my sleep. Save $10,000. Buy a house by December. Avoid gaining weight/lose 10 more pounds. Get a better job. Avoid losing the job you've got. Be nicer to your mother...because she's gonna have to feed/house you if you lose your job.
It's all so ridiculous, right? I'm 23 for Pete's sake. But (REALITY CHECK BEGINS HERE)...23 isn't what it used to be. I don't have the option of spending my days in Wilmington, sitting on the boardwalk and eating $4 nachos. I can't go to St. Thomas every summer like my dad did in the 1980's and party/drink for 3 months at a time. I can't live in the Bronx, pay $350 for rent and survive off of a hair dresser's salary like my mom did in the 1970's.
Why? Because it's 2010 fool. And that means that, after college, your young ass better buy a brief case and sneakers and get ready for the rat race. Don't get me wrong. I still don't do cubicles. And I refuse to drink coffee from the break room. I don't party with my co-workers and I don't wear navy blue every day. But I do...like most of us...wait on that fatt paycheck with an eager heart and wide eyes. Being 20-something is all about preparation. If you want to be 32, living in your parent's attic (the basement isn't available-your cousin already lives down there), working at Burger World, and wobbling the whole way to work on your bike...because your fat, depressed ass can't afford a car...then go ahead and party hard!
Seriously, act like you're on the show JERSEY SHORE and fist pump with the best of them every weekend in the same lame club you've been going to since high school. Don't worry about your credit score. It's just a number. And keep buying cheap shoes to impress Tyrone (who works with you at TJ Maxx). Because that's what being 20-something "should" be all about.
But, the reality check of your lifetime and mine is...nobody gives a hot damn how young we are. We're a part of a society that is indeed paranoid and preventative. We've lost a lot of the freebies that young people were once given. The mistakes/choices we make now could easily prevent us from ever retiring, owning a home, or sending our own children to college.
So, no, I don't want to spend every day thinking about days up ahead that I may never see. But I also don't want to live my life like an untouchable idiot. I've got things to do, people to influence, and a world to change...so I've got to be better than my personal best (which means-I have to reach heights I once thought were impossible). This isn't a drill people. This is the real deal, we're in the real world now. Carpe diem! Translation? GET IT TOGETHER.
It's all so ridiculous, right? I'm 23 for Pete's sake. But (REALITY CHECK BEGINS HERE)...23 isn't what it used to be. I don't have the option of spending my days in Wilmington, sitting on the boardwalk and eating $4 nachos. I can't go to St. Thomas every summer like my dad did in the 1980's and party/drink for 3 months at a time. I can't live in the Bronx, pay $350 for rent and survive off of a hair dresser's salary like my mom did in the 1970's.
Why? Because it's 2010 fool. And that means that, after college, your young ass better buy a brief case and sneakers and get ready for the rat race. Don't get me wrong. I still don't do cubicles. And I refuse to drink coffee from the break room. I don't party with my co-workers and I don't wear navy blue every day. But I do...like most of us...wait on that fatt paycheck with an eager heart and wide eyes. Being 20-something is all about preparation. If you want to be 32, living in your parent's attic (the basement isn't available-your cousin already lives down there), working at Burger World, and wobbling the whole way to work on your bike...because your fat, depressed ass can't afford a car...then go ahead and party hard!
Seriously, act like you're on the show JERSEY SHORE and fist pump with the best of them every weekend in the same lame club you've been going to since high school. Don't worry about your credit score. It's just a number. And keep buying cheap shoes to impress Tyrone (who works with you at TJ Maxx). Because that's what being 20-something "should" be all about.
But, the reality check of your lifetime and mine is...nobody gives a hot damn how young we are. We're a part of a society that is indeed paranoid and preventative. We've lost a lot of the freebies that young people were once given. The mistakes/choices we make now could easily prevent us from ever retiring, owning a home, or sending our own children to college.
So, no, I don't want to spend every day thinking about days up ahead that I may never see. But I also don't want to live my life like an untouchable idiot. I've got things to do, people to influence, and a world to change...so I've got to be better than my personal best (which means-I have to reach heights I once thought were impossible). This isn't a drill people. This is the real deal, we're in the real world now. Carpe diem! Translation? GET IT TOGETHER.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)