It’s about so much more than causing words to coordinate…compliment…and cohesively tell my story. This isn’t a hobby for me. This is the food I eat, more significant than the air that I breathe because when I didn’t want to live anymore, I used language as a life raft. The more I bled on paper, the less I wanted to shed my own.
I tend to write in a satirical tone, intended to make you chuckle or cause the corners of your eyes to crease when clever ideas flirt with your imagination. I try to reach you on a level that keeps you comfortable and protects my privacy. But beneath the relativity and humor, there is pain from my past…pain that boils like Ramen noodles in a college dormitory.
This life isn’t what they said it would be. Opportunity isn’t knocking or calling or chasing me. Whatever “big breaks” I get, I have to sweat for. For my generation, opportunity is barely a distant light in the darkest night. We’re all just trying to make it, gracefully. I can admit that I think more about who I have yet to become, than I do about who I already am. I’ve never been one to enjoy my accomplishments for too long. I look at my achievements like a child does a present the day after Christmas. I’m impressed for a few minutes, but then my senses grow restless and I need more. I need something new.
When I was a sophomore in college, I was convinced that I hadn’t accomplished enough. When I looked at my life, I didn’t think that I had contributed enough to society or saved enough lives or told enough people about Jesus. I sincerely thought that my life wasn’t really worth living. My joy left late one night, while I was living in Collegiate Courtyard, and it didn’t return for 5 years. There is so much that a young person faces once he or she leaves the nest…so much that wasn’t covered in AP English or AP European History. No one makes it clear that a break up can literally break a heart, stop its beat, or slow its pace. No one warns you about the professors that are blatantly and shamelessly racist. No one tells you that the Office of Admissions doesn’t really want black students at the University…but quotas must be filled. So, when you’ve grown up in the suburbs, protected by God and family, and then get exposed to a world where the strong barely survive…every day becomes its own battlefield.
I considered suicide because I thought God had given up on me. I considered suicide because family stopped calling me. I considered suicide because I thought I’d never be good enough for anyone to love for a lifetime…
But what I’m most proud of, after 24 years of life, is that I considered suicide then opted to conquer my own demons by shedding light on my insecurities, my burdens, and my personal mistakes. I had to realize that my destiny is my own. Feeling alone is merely a consequence of failing to connect to those with similar tragedies. Having a purpose (and never abandoning that purpose) will keep you alive when nothing else will. I know now that I’m here to do something really special. College nearly killed me…but it didn’t. So I carry my story of triumph like a torch. It is my light when the electricity (motivation, vision, strength) in my life fails me. I want to live until there’s no power in these lungs to pump oxygen. I want to live until my eyes can no longer open to witness the sunset. I want to live until everyone I’ve ever loved is on the same bus that I’m taking to heaven’s gates.
Key phrase in today’s post: I want to live.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
How to: Be Sexier.
Let me tell you something right now...I am not (in any way) one of the writers who thinks that she knows everything about everything, or a little something about everything. I just know what I know. Like Oprah, there are a few things I know for sure. And one of those sureties just happen to surround the idea and conceptualization of the modern 'sexy' woman. You don't have to agree with anything that I write in this post, but promise me that you'll take something from it. Because, it's true.
Being sexy isn't complicated. Take it from me. I've been sexy (according to my own standards) since 1986...which might sound a little awkward but just hear me out. Sexy is a mentality. I'm certain that I've said that before in one of my previous posts but the reason I want to hone in on the idea today is because I've realized that, in modern media, we're beginning to turn our attention away from the classic beauty and zoom in on modern women who have a style and image all their own. Their no longer looking molded and created, they just exist in the center of their feminine happiness. And that excites me.
I'm not suggesting that you aren't already sexy. Hence, "sexier" in the blog's title. I'm simply insinuating that your sexy may be able to benefit from a tune up. And here's how:
1) Put your insecurities in storage. Box up all of your ideas about yourself...i.e. thighs too jiggly, hair too brittle, head too big, etc. and start over. How you look is HOW YOU'LL ALWAYS LOOK unless you take advantage of plastic surgery. So, I suggest that you own it and wear it like this year's freshest fur fashions. Because, everyone can smell your insecurities (seriously). The people who don't like you are thrilled because you don't love yourself and those who really want to like you are turned off.
2) Rate your mood in ALL of your clothes. If you have clothes (like most of us do) that you wear but you never, ever feel attractive in...what the heck is the point? Clothes aren't cheap. Every purchase is an investment. So, do me a favor and stop wearing your jeans from middle school okay because a)your ankles are cold and b)dungarees are for the cotton field.
3) Date someone new. Okay, don't take this the wrong way but so many of us are involved with people who don't make us feel sexy. When you're around that person, you have the subconscious desire to wear sweatpant-capris and avoid a comb at all costs. So...either you're too comfortable or you don't care what your beau thinks. You're both suffering...and it's sad. So, start fresh and date someone who you want to impress or do what I do...wear pumps when you're cooking for the one who's loved you for years.
4) Look alive. This is important to me. Seriously...because you've taken the fact that "black is slimming" too far. If someone is always asking you if you've just attended a funeral, you need to make some life changes. Think about what makes you glow. If drinking tea makes you sparkle, then for God's sakes buy more LIPTON'S. If you love lip gloss, why are your lips always dry? I've realized, in my short lifetime, that women tend to suffer for no reason. We have long lists of things we love, but we rarely do them. The things and activities that fulfill us are always at the end of the to-do list and its a shame. Just give to yourself as much (if not more) than you give to everyone else. If you love taking photos, why is your camera in the attic? If you love travelling, why if your passport expired? Do what you love and your glow will be blinding. I'm convinced.
Being sexy isn't hard...but once you've established and maintained your sexy...it's hard to get sexier because you are so certain that your old tricks don't need editing. And they do! If you're no longer turning heads, its because you need to change your mind about yourself. Maybe your red pumps were hott in 2000, but now they look a little more like brown mules from all the club hopping you've done. So refresh. Rethink. And...re-do. If you don't feel sexy, that's your fault. There's no requirement to be a certain size, complexion, or have a certain hair cut/grade. EVERY WOMAN should feel sexy in 2010. There are no excuses.
And that's real.
Being sexy isn't complicated. Take it from me. I've been sexy (according to my own standards) since 1986...which might sound a little awkward but just hear me out. Sexy is a mentality. I'm certain that I've said that before in one of my previous posts but the reason I want to hone in on the idea today is because I've realized that, in modern media, we're beginning to turn our attention away from the classic beauty and zoom in on modern women who have a style and image all their own. Their no longer looking molded and created, they just exist in the center of their feminine happiness. And that excites me.
I'm not suggesting that you aren't already sexy. Hence, "sexier" in the blog's title. I'm simply insinuating that your sexy may be able to benefit from a tune up. And here's how:
1) Put your insecurities in storage. Box up all of your ideas about yourself...i.e. thighs too jiggly, hair too brittle, head too big, etc. and start over. How you look is HOW YOU'LL ALWAYS LOOK unless you take advantage of plastic surgery. So, I suggest that you own it and wear it like this year's freshest fur fashions. Because, everyone can smell your insecurities (seriously). The people who don't like you are thrilled because you don't love yourself and those who really want to like you are turned off.
2) Rate your mood in ALL of your clothes. If you have clothes (like most of us do) that you wear but you never, ever feel attractive in...what the heck is the point? Clothes aren't cheap. Every purchase is an investment. So, do me a favor and stop wearing your jeans from middle school okay because a)your ankles are cold and b)dungarees are for the cotton field.
3) Date someone new. Okay, don't take this the wrong way but so many of us are involved with people who don't make us feel sexy. When you're around that person, you have the subconscious desire to wear sweatpant-capris and avoid a comb at all costs. So...either you're too comfortable or you don't care what your beau thinks. You're both suffering...and it's sad. So, start fresh and date someone who you want to impress or do what I do...wear pumps when you're cooking for the one who's loved you for years.
4) Look alive. This is important to me. Seriously...because you've taken the fact that "black is slimming" too far. If someone is always asking you if you've just attended a funeral, you need to make some life changes. Think about what makes you glow. If drinking tea makes you sparkle, then for God's sakes buy more LIPTON'S. If you love lip gloss, why are your lips always dry? I've realized, in my short lifetime, that women tend to suffer for no reason. We have long lists of things we love, but we rarely do them. The things and activities that fulfill us are always at the end of the to-do list and its a shame. Just give to yourself as much (if not more) than you give to everyone else. If you love taking photos, why is your camera in the attic? If you love travelling, why if your passport expired? Do what you love and your glow will be blinding. I'm convinced.
Being sexy isn't hard...but once you've established and maintained your sexy...it's hard to get sexier because you are so certain that your old tricks don't need editing. And they do! If you're no longer turning heads, its because you need to change your mind about yourself. Maybe your red pumps were hott in 2000, but now they look a little more like brown mules from all the club hopping you've done. So refresh. Rethink. And...re-do. If you don't feel sexy, that's your fault. There's no requirement to be a certain size, complexion, or have a certain hair cut/grade. EVERY WOMAN should feel sexy in 2010. There are no excuses.
And that's real.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The "Home Boy" Syndrome
Thousands of women are affected, daily, by a syndrome that they won't even acknowledge...and this syndrome is detrimental to the potential development of a relationship. Every woman I know has suffered from it or knows someone who has it right now...it's a syndrome that sneaks into the equation and eventually poisons a connection and leaves nothing behind but the residue of old love and good memories.
I consider it my duty to expose such monstrous tendencies, which become habits and eventually get filed into the permenant category..."syndromes". I'm sharing because I've been there and I'm sharing because you might be there right now. Let me dissect the entire definition of home boy for you so that we're clear on a few things.
HOME BOY: Someone 1)who is reliable and consistent 2)who is willing to be supportive and accepting, no matter what 3)who isn't demanding and overbearing like women in pursuit of a relationship 'typically' are...4)who has no true title or role and cannot 'legitimately' petition against...anything 5)who is sexually involved with someone who has made no commitment and has no intention of making a commitment
Now, most women I know are well aware of what it takes to be the home boy because we've all either voluntarily accepted that role or have been subjected to the role. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter how you got there...just get the hell out! Fast. Because this syndrome is a one-way route to a lifetime of disappointments.
If you find yourself biting your tongue each and every time someone you're involved with talks about a future that doesn't involve you in it or every time that person emphasizes how important having personal space is, you're most likely suffering from the home boy syndrome.
Because, let's just be real, you want to seem like you're down for whatever (meaning you are willing to go with the flow and let things just 'happen'). I'm here to tell you hunny...nothing is going to just 'happen' if you allow yourself to constantly be downgraded to the friend role each and every time some one that you're loving decides that he or she is 'searching for self' or 'taking some time to heal'...from a relationship that ended in 1999.
It's all bullsh!t and you know it. Somewhere deep down...though you're waiting for a proposal or a commitment or to hold hands in public...you are well aware that a woman who doesn't express her expectations is never going to be respected or revered or appreciated. And she certainly will never be anyone's wife.
I'm just being raw...because I think the home boy syndrome is preventing the women in my life and in my generation overall from being authentically happy. You're worth more but you live like you're worthless. And don't get me wrong, not for a minute. I know what it is to keep denying your right to be someone's only priority in fear of losing that person as a part of your life. Sometimes it feels better to have someone hold you twice a week, than not to have someone hold you at all. It's better to have a missed call every once in a while than to never have any activity in your call log...right? Not necessarily.
Not if, every time you try to express your right to be respected...you're reminded that you signed over your rights when you started laying with someone who always calls you 'friend' when introducing you to the outside world. On holidays, you're put it your place because you have no right to gifts or a date or...a phone call.
The fact that you'll always be around doesn't make you a hero...it makes you a back up plan. And the saddest reality about the syndrome, is that it's becoming a norm. Until you (or your sister, cousin, whoever) is able to say "I deserve your love. I deserve your respect and commitment, exclusively."...You're just going to live your life as everybody's homie. The one that everybody comes back to, eventually. And that's not honorable...that's just the food chain for the restless & lonely.
Signing out,
NNL
I consider it my duty to expose such monstrous tendencies, which become habits and eventually get filed into the permenant category..."syndromes". I'm sharing because I've been there and I'm sharing because you might be there right now. Let me dissect the entire definition of home boy for you so that we're clear on a few things.
HOME BOY: Someone 1)who is reliable and consistent 2)who is willing to be supportive and accepting, no matter what 3)who isn't demanding and overbearing like women in pursuit of a relationship 'typically' are...4)who has no true title or role and cannot 'legitimately' petition against...anything 5)who is sexually involved with someone who has made no commitment and has no intention of making a commitment
Now, most women I know are well aware of what it takes to be the home boy because we've all either voluntarily accepted that role or have been subjected to the role. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter how you got there...just get the hell out! Fast. Because this syndrome is a one-way route to a lifetime of disappointments.
If you find yourself biting your tongue each and every time someone you're involved with talks about a future that doesn't involve you in it or every time that person emphasizes how important having personal space is, you're most likely suffering from the home boy syndrome.
Because, let's just be real, you want to seem like you're down for whatever (meaning you are willing to go with the flow and let things just 'happen'). I'm here to tell you hunny...nothing is going to just 'happen' if you allow yourself to constantly be downgraded to the friend role each and every time some one that you're loving decides that he or she is 'searching for self' or 'taking some time to heal'...from a relationship that ended in 1999.
It's all bullsh!t and you know it. Somewhere deep down...though you're waiting for a proposal or a commitment or to hold hands in public...you are well aware that a woman who doesn't express her expectations is never going to be respected or revered or appreciated. And she certainly will never be anyone's wife.
I'm just being raw...because I think the home boy syndrome is preventing the women in my life and in my generation overall from being authentically happy. You're worth more but you live like you're worthless. And don't get me wrong, not for a minute. I know what it is to keep denying your right to be someone's only priority in fear of losing that person as a part of your life. Sometimes it feels better to have someone hold you twice a week, than not to have someone hold you at all. It's better to have a missed call every once in a while than to never have any activity in your call log...right? Not necessarily.
Not if, every time you try to express your right to be respected...you're reminded that you signed over your rights when you started laying with someone who always calls you 'friend' when introducing you to the outside world. On holidays, you're put it your place because you have no right to gifts or a date or...a phone call.
The fact that you'll always be around doesn't make you a hero...it makes you a back up plan. And the saddest reality about the syndrome, is that it's becoming a norm. Until you (or your sister, cousin, whoever) is able to say "I deserve your love. I deserve your respect and commitment, exclusively."...You're just going to live your life as everybody's homie. The one that everybody comes back to, eventually. And that's not honorable...that's just the food chain for the restless & lonely.
Signing out,
NNL
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