A Better World.

A voice within says, “What is your vision?” To it, I say, “I want to better this world.”

I want to better this world through love and compassion and patience. I want people to know that there is still hope and there is still a reason to wake up. I know that I will never be like everyone else. I know that I will never walk like…or talk like…or live like anyone else. But in spite of my differences, I feel connected to every person that I meet. I immediately feel concerned and attached to the wellness and the overall growth of each individual I make eye contact with. And no matter how much I fear my potential or my purpose, I cannot run from who I am. I cannot hide under the bolder of ignorance or dance with the devil in the realm of denial. Who I am is who I am.

If I could, I would wake up every morning and share the wisdom of heaven with people everywhere. I would speak out against hatred and limitations. I would tell audiences (of any size) that miracles are far more interesting than practical pursuits. I would encourage young women to stand on their own feet and refuse to let anyone make them prisoners. I would beg my sisters to value themselves and their bodies. I would encourage members of my generation to care about something…anything.

If I could, I would write until my fingers bled. I would write until there were no more trees and no more paper and no more storage on my big, bright laptop. My words would change the lives of children who never saw themselves as “talented or beautiful or capable”. My words would heal the hearts of those who had never experienced “love or confidence or appreciation”. I would write about the depths of depression. I would write about the simplicity of beauty. I would write about obesity and sexuality and family. I would write until my words bled together and became a language unknown.

If I could, I would hug every child who couldn’t find her father. I would dance with every veteran and cry with every ailing mother. I would serve until my days were gone. Not because service is admirable, but because service-among the children of God-is mandatory. I would never, ever waste another day entertaining fear. I would change the world, one determined moment at a time.

Because, I visualize a world much more beautiful than the one we currently reside in. I visualize a world where people still believe in tomorrow. And if I could, change this world alone, I would.

Wear Down of the Week: Babies on Leashes

I only have question. Why? Why is that optimistic, innocent young man being dragged around on a seat belt? Perhaps it's none of my business. Perhaps I need to be more empathetic and understanding. Or...maybe, the individuals who usher their children around on leashes should be imprisoned. This woman is committing more than one crime. Her pants are annoying and her son is being victimized.

I know this isn't the most in-depth, philosophical blog post I've ever written. But, damn it, it's funny.

When all else fails...

...God's love won't. On the darkest days, in the loneliest hours, He holds me. And I'm grateful.

"I Just Want to be Successful..." -Drake

I chase destiny through the darkest corridors of life and the thickest forests of desire. I hunt joy with the shot gun of desperation. Because I deserve more than this life of uncertainty. I deserve to fall asleep at night certain that when I wake up in the morning, the sun will shine in my favor.

I know exactly who I am. I am the daughter of an almighty King who has never abandoned or forsaken me. I am a woman of integrity and beauty designed with the pearls and powders of heaven. I am here to change this world through compassion and love. I am determined to be everything that I was born to be.

So, even there are days that take my breath away...days that suffocate my creativity and stifle my ambition...I am sure that I will come out on the other side of this battle with a medal for courage and consistency. Even now, I pray for a way out and a way up. I wait to stop falling and finally hit rock bottom so that I can start climbing toward all that is good.

I am not foolish enough to believe that the Creator has abandoned me. I know that I will have all that I've dreamed of and all that I've ever aspired to become. Because I deserve to be successful. I am of Moses' lineage. I am in the same blood line as the Messiah. So I can not be conquered. I cannot be destroyed.

I am not a quitter. I am a believer. And I have every intention to get all that belongs to me. No one will steal the glow that beams through my child-like eyes. No one will take the optimism from my bosom. I cannot lose. My status as a warrior is permanent. My sophistication is untouchable. My confidence isn't for sale. This is priceless. Who I am is who I intend to forever be. There is nothing, no one...that can break me. And that's not cocky. That's reality.

I am everything that I say I am. And as for the critics who don't agree...frankly, I don't give a damn.

And that's real.

5-4-3-2...(Cr)appy New Year!

So...January is coming around the corner like an ambulance pursuing a 10-car pileup and I can't say I'm very happy about it. Because, 2009 is not done providing me with the opportunities that I was convinced I'd have before the year ended. As a matter of fact, 2009 hasn't delivered in a lot of areas. I thought I'd be a millionaire by now with Iman's body and a wine-red Range Rover ;-)

I don't know about anyone else but I don't want to start another year with the same damn resolutions. I don't want to get a new gym membership on the 2nd of January and end up using it twice, then cursing out the gym's bill collectors on the 22nd of March. I don't want to plan to have the perfect relationship with no bruises and blunders. I'm not interested in trying to lose 1,000 pounds by eating lemons and drinking 20 cups of water by noon each day. Most importantly, I don't want to force my dreams to take flight just so I won't have to endure the process of life and avoid working for "the man" for just one more year.

Every January, I make huge-unrealistic plans for the upcoming year and every October..I end up looking back at the year that was supposed to change everything with animosity and regret. I make a potentially happy new year into a crappy new year by trying to turn my entire life around in 12 months. It's sincerely absurd. The truth is, I am probably going to be in a very similar place 1 year from now. I don't anticipate that the sky is going to open up and drop 3 million dollars through the sun roof of my Passat. I am not going to be able to attend one weekend seminar and earn my master's. I won't be able to melt 600 pounds away in a magical sauna. None of those things will ever happen to me. But I know what WILL happen if I continue to make these unrealistic goals. I will die before 2011 peaks its head out next winter.

When it really comes down to it, there isn't much to make resolutions about. I know who I am and I just want to be a writer. All this other fancy shit is giving me wrinkles. I don't want to plan to take over the world. I don't want to make a timeline to be just like Oprah. I just want to be 23 years old for as long as I can. I want to read by the lake on Tuesday mornings. I want to listen to Kanye while I endure my morning work-outs. I want to meet people and collaborate on wonderful, inspiring projects. But I don't really want to exhaust myself with the burden of networking beyond necessity. I don't want to plan to go to church more or take vitamins every morning or visit my parents once a week.

I just wanna throw my shot glass in the air at 12am on January 1st and commit to never having another anxiety-inducing, crappy New Year again. My only resolution this January will be: to live more and obsess less.

I'm Coming Home.

There is nothing like being 20-something. There is nothing like having life-altering decisions to make every day and having no means of answering the questions that life is constantly asking. I am lost in the midst of all things essential. There are so many avenues, so many opportunities, and so many pot holes. I love being young, don't get me wrong. But I would love to have a compass that actually works out here in the wilderness.

I moved back to Pleasantville 6 months ago with the intentions to grow as a journalist and an individual. I was excited about attending school at a respectable university in the area in order to get my masters. I thought that it was finally time to really "be somebody". And what I found is-the reality that I really already liked who I was becoming. When I left this region of North Carolina, 5 years ago, to go to undergrad I was a completely different young woman. I was dependant on my parents for everything. I couldn't even wash clothes, cook anything besides scrambled eggs, or wash my hair by myself. I was beyond crippled. I was just shameful.

And now, I fend for myself the best that I can. My decisions are my own and I am in love with my ability to survive in spite of obstacles and limitations. So, moving back to this town and trying to pick up where I left off....is not as fulfilling as I'd hoped it would be. I don't feel at home here. I feel like the people who reside here are (for the most part) shallow and materialistic. Everyone is worried about brand names and square footage. And, though I grew up appreciating those same things, I really no longer give a damn.

All I want now is piece of mind and to give the world a piece of my mind. I want to spend my days in love and my nights making love. I want to sleep in on the weekends rather than at a second job that helps pay for my expensive habits. I want to enjoy art and watch good movies. I want to keep learning and growing. I want to enjoy being young. I don't want to start having kids just because that's what everyone else is doing. And, in this area, that's exactly what everyone else seems to be doing.

I never thought I'd say this about the little city in which I went to college, but...G-boro...I'm coming home. I miss your pot holes and broken sidewalks. I miss your dark alleys and random side streets. I miss Elm Street and the lack of activity on Friday nights. I miss that delicious Japanese food that can only be found at Kobe. I miss Bellini's at Bravo. I miss Guilford College's fuunny smelling library. I miss it all. And after all these years, I'm smart enough to know that if you miss something enough...you'll find a way to get it back.

That's just what I intend to do. I'm coming home.

What Lola Wants

There is a woman that I know very, very well. She stands gracefully at 5 feet and 11 inches. Her swagger is unapologetic, raw, and intentional. Her skin is coffee-tinted...two creams and three sugars. Every inch of her frame is poised with an uppity aura, yet she manages to blend humility with privilege in order to remain grounded and approachable.

This woman is strategic and relentless. There is nothing that she has ever pursued, that she has not attained. At a young age, she developed the innate ability to demand her way into blissfulness. Those who did say no, were eaten for dinner or worse. Her tantrums were nationally acclaimed and her Christmas list was so long...she had to hire a tribe of midgets to record her desires.

She was worse than spoiled as a child. She was rotten and odor-infused. And the saddest part of this story? Nothing has changed.

Her name is Lola and her selfish habits are destroying her life. Nothing is ever enough for her. No achievement is worth celebrating. No purchase is significant enough. No purse is sparkly enough. Lola is a slave to the idea of "wanting". And what she wants...she gets.

The only problem is, Lola fell in love 4 years ago with a sexy, Southern lover who convinced her that there was no nook that would be left unexplored and no cranny would go un-penetrated. And Lola believed that this lover would finally free her from the confines of "want".

Lola was wrong. And now, Lola has a decision to make. She can either spend the rest of her life chasing the wind and trying to capture butterflies that she can never own or she can let this lover love her. For most, the decision is clear and the right choice could be made by an infant. But for Lola, for this woman who has everything, everything is never enough.

I hope that Lola, this woman I know better than anyone else in this world, realizes that love isn't like a shopping spree or a shoe collection. It can't be scheduled, budgeted, re-designed and altered at will. Love is a gift that cannot be purchased in a boutique in downtown Charlotte. And once it's gone, it's really gone.

It's time for Lola to stop thinking about what she wants and to start thinking about how to preserve what she has...

Pursue Life.

I spend a lot of time planning. I spend more time planning than I do living and that reality is both unfortunate and disappointing. When I was a little girl, I planned my life out on a tiny timeline constructed with a marker and a clouded mentality nurtured by the expectations of those who raised me. (I was brainwashed).

On that timeline, sat all that I sought after. I wanted everything that little girls who wore bows and polka dots should want. I wanted the big house with the 4-car garage, the man who could mold a replica sculpture of David out of cement...with his bare hands, and a job that only required me to show up on Tuesdays around 3pm.

I wanted to attend an Ivy League college, drive the most expensive foreign car that parents can buy, and weigh just a little more than Paris Hilton. I, essentially, aimed to be the "quintessential" American woman. Even more hilarious, all of this was supposed to be accomplished by age 25. (I'm laughing hysterically now). Because, at 23, I am no where near Paris Hilton's size. Perez, maybe, but not Paris.

Additionally, my Ivy League education is on lay-away. I am too busy burning the envelopes that contain the threatening warnings from Sallie Mae about my upcoming balances to think about paying a dime toward my Harvard graduate studies. My "big house" is a two bedroom condo in Pleasantville that makes me tired whenever I attempt to clean it. Subsequently, I don't need a 4-car garage. I need a scooter and a fanny pack to get me from point A to point B. And as far as the husband with the hands of a Greek god, I'll pass. I've made other arrangements ;-)

My point? Who gives a flying fu** about time lines and plans and arrangements and deadlines? Really. If life went according to plan, we'd all be bored out of our minds. I am convinced that, in this life, I am nothing more than a stubborn main character in the novel that God is authoring. I try to control the plot, fall in love with easily intimidated co-characters, and express my disgust with how He's designed me. But, in the end, I have absolutely nothing to do with what happens in the end. I'm just here to make this journey sexy.

I am throwing my time line away. I am throwing a lot of stale expectations and due dates away too. I have no desire to live this way. I have no desire to wake up to a voicemail box full of expectations. I'm making a new list now. A bucket list complete with everything that I want to do before I kick the bucket. Item #1? Take a nap whenever I want.

...I feel a yawn coming on...