Every night, I plot a scheme to take over the world. I am the Brain behind an operation that could change history. I'm capable of building brands, changing lives, and uplifting entire nations. I chuckle quietly. I'm dangerous and fearless...as I write on the tablet within my mind. I chart out a timeline and I count (in my imagination) the millions of dollars that I will, one day, accumulate because I am a genius. Because my ideas will reconstruct America. Because I am of a chosen generation. Because my vision is based on promises from heaven...
Then...every morning, I surrender to my exhaustion. I remove my superwoman cape that I wear in my dreams and I replace my heroine mask with a simple grey blouse that matches my safe kitten heels. Then I turn on the coffee maker and wait for my chocolate-tinted, liquid addiction to settle in to a pot that will cradle my energy booster until I'm out of my morning shower and ready to gulp it down. I tease my golden highlights and I make sure I have my lip gloss in my purse. Then I go to work.
9 hours later, I arrive back at home...and I start brainstorming again...
This is my process. I am a self-proclaimed, fear-frozen genius. My plans are immaculate, impressive and intended to change the world. But I can't even figure out how to change my attitude about success. Because, in my opinion, once you succeed...you have no choice but to keep succeeding. Life is easy when no one knows your name, when no one notices you. But as soon as you've accomplished something(whether you've been on a reality show, won a talent search, or rescued a cat from a tree) people watch your life waiting for your next big stunt.
I'm afraid to succeed, because I'm afraid I may not have enough ambition to last the rest of my life. That may sound crazy...but I swear that every time I start a project...I start sweating profusely when I imagine the outcome. "What if" is like a gremlin in a scary movie that taunts me in my slumber. "What if" is the phrase that is going to kill me. Because "what if" is prohibiting me from living my life to the fullest. I am a just a heap of potential, stinking up the Earth's surface and taking up space. Take it from me, allowing fear to prevent you from accomplishing what you were put here to accomplish is pathetic.
I often wonder if anyone will ever see who I really am and what I'm really capable of contributing. Or will I always dream at night then try to blend in and avoid causing any ruckus throughout the day? I can't even figure out exactly why success is so terrifying...I don't know why all of my best ideas are still in notebooks. But slowly, over the years, I've stopped talking about what I dream of doing while I'm here on Earth. I've started to mimic my mother and talk about what's "not practical".
And I hate it. I make lists of little things I should do to get closer to my dreams. But those lists get lost beneath the bills, the grocery lists, and the "what ifs".
I'm convinced that the only way to thaw the fear...to avoid being frozen and stagnant forever...is to keep dreaming, no matter what, and then allow those dreams to dominate both the days and the nights. I have to stop shutting down my free spirit in order to get through the days and blend in with my co-workers. I have to use every free minute to chase my dreams...while managing to earn a paycheck. I have to realize that fear can be the fuel I need because we can use fear as the fire beneath our butts. Eventually, we'll get so tired of being afraid that we'll run, like wild beasts, toward everything we've ever wanted. Because the worst that could happen, has already happened. If you're anything like me, you have a tendency to sit around...not accomplishing anything significant. And nothing (NOTHING) is worse than that.
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