I call His name in the middle of the moments that burn the worst, hoping that I will actually get the slightest response in the form of a pot falling or a bird chirping. I wait for Him to interrupt my day with a random bolt of lightning that signifies the beginning of a life of abundance. But God...doesn't check His own voicemail and whatever administrative assistant He does have needs to be fired. I've been trying to be gentle yet persuasive, but the gentle angle must go. There are some things that I need and I need them now. Like a purpose.
Not the philisophical purpose that I have previously carried around in my left pocket like an emergency flashlight, ready to lead the way to victory and fulfillment. I mean a "day to day" purpose. I need to feel like I am contributing something to this flat world. And the truth is, I don't feel that way. Not often enough anyway.
When I was a little girl, I was so sure that by 23 I would be feeding whales or saving penguins or housing the homeless. I thought that I would be fighting for human rights or using journalism to fight oppression. I thought that I would be working for CNN or The New York Times. But instead, I am viciously disappointed in mainstream media and I am not really sure how to do anything about it. I am a paycheck away from being homeless myself and needing someone to house me. And I can't feed a damn whale because I can barely afford to feed myself.
So. Where do I go from here? If you can hear me God...days like these confuse the hell out of me.
And I sincerely pray that tomorrow will be a better day. Not just for me, but for everyone who has been leaving urgent messsages on your answering machine.
1 comment:
OMG you are too right! I love this post, simple but effective, thank you so much for putting it here... isnt i funny that we look to GOD when things get confusing and we feel sad from with in?
thank Natasha you made my day!
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