It’s terrifying to think about what I really want. There are so many potential pursuits…so many opportunities that seem appealing. And it’s not that I’m scared of what the future holds. It’s just that failure is such a terrifying, illumination above all that I do. I’ve waited a lifetime for most of what I have now, and though I’m grateful, I’m also wondering…what next? What will this life show me and teach me? Who will be by my side during the entire journey? With the state of our nation being so flimsy and unpredictable, making decisions is a lot more difficult than ever before. I feel like every wrong turn might never deliver me to that gorgeous door for “second chances”. Second chances almost don’t exist anymore. Everything scars forever…credit delinquencies, bad break-ups, tasteless FB pictures…
People don’t forgive and forget anymore. And what’s worse, we are forgetting how to forgive ourselves. Already at twenty-four, there is so much that I would’ve done differently if I had known years ago what I know now. There is love that I regret losing, love that I regret giving…and opportunities that I regret missing. And although I am well aware that I am right where I am supposed to be, I can’t help but think that I’ve made the journey a little more difficult than it needed to be.
In my lowly opinion, this life should be lived passionately and courageously. We should be challenged every day by the work we do and the service we provide in our communities. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not signing up to be the next Mother Teresa…
I just think that we spend a little too much time consumed by nonsense that will be irrelevant next year instead of making contributions that may change history.
For example, I’ve spent the last 10 days pouting about turning twenty-four. I’ve been focusing on everything that I don’t have and all that I haven’t accomplished (that I feel like I should’ve accomplished long ago). I failed to appreciate the fact that for 7 days, I was pampered by family and friends who have their own lives and schedules but they chose to spend some quality time helping me celebrate life.
And for the most part, I was a brat the entire week!
I just want to place a little more emphasis on what matters. I’d rather focus on the growing portion of the phrase “growing older” than zeroing in on the age factor. I’d rather enjoy the people who love me while they are near, than pout and sour when they have to say “farewell”.
Today, I’m implementing some new policies in my life. I refuse to obsess over what I am not and what I have not…when there is so much to be thankful for. I want to be ridiculously wealthy one day, but for now…I’m just glad that I have a great relationship with the cable lady because I get my premium service for free. I want to have a mansion in the mountains eventually, but right now…I’m grateful to have 1000 sq. foot bachelorette pad in one of North Carolina’s most prestigious cities. I also want to squeeze all this voluptuous-ness in tiny jeans by December...but, this month, I’m going to just enjoy this body because God designed it and it’s beautiful. And I really, really want a love that is healthy and amazing…but until I’m ready for matrimony I’ll find that love in the form of life-long friendships.
I don’t have it all figured out…not at all. I just know that being obsessed with what isn’t…is just a really foolish way to miss out on all that is. I want to embrace today…tomorrow is perfectly capable of taking care of itself.
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