If Only You Knew...

I’m not the untouchable, fearless woman that I hope to be eventually. I’m only her apprentice. Each day is a struggle for me…as I fight to grow in to/walk in my big girl shoes. I wake up wanting to believe that I will have everything that I deserve, but there are moments and memories that prevent me from maintaining the level of confidence that I need in order to accomplish greatness.

(My version of greatness is: managing motherhood, a career, philanthropy, romance, friendships and personal wellness).

There are so many things that I have done or said out of fear that I wish I could erase or undo. But I can’t. I’ve pushed so many amazing people away because I knew that they had the capacity to hurt me. I pushed them away because they intimidated me or made me uncomfortable with who I have yet to become. My only regret in this lifetime is the mismanagement of my relationships.

Lately, I’ve been casually announcing what I’m ready for i.e. I’m ready for love. I’m ready for all that life has to offer. But the truth is I’m no more ready for love now than I was at 18 years old. (Because my frame of mind has not been renewed). I am still a stubborn woman who wants everything she wants, when she wants it. I decided, long ago, what love had to look and feel like. I didn’t want any variation. I didn’t want to sacrifice control. But I’m learning that I won’t be ready for love or any other miracles until I allow someone else to hold my heart for long enough to understand its contours and subsequently, understand my needs.

I accept the fact that I have never been in love before. I’ve been on top of it, near it, and even trapped under love…but being in love requires the sacrifice of self and power. I have never given anyone my power. I might’ve surrendered to someone else for a moment…but I’ve never put myself in the position to love for a lifetime. I don’t want to continue that trend. I’m throwing up my white flag. I’m surrendering right now.

For those who I’ve hurt or pushed away, I wish you really knew how much I love you. I wish you could find it in your heart to evaluate mine and believe that my intentions are good. If there is room for repair, I pray that we will be connected in the way that God originally intended. My life won’t be nearly as rich without you.

For the only person I’ve ever wanted to change for: If only you knew, that underneath this powerful costume adorned with cockiness and bossiness…is an insecure little girl who just doesn’t want to be abandoned or embarrassed, you would realize that we are perfect for each other. You’d realize that our flaws are capable of combining and creating the most beautiful love story. You’d accept me…and I would stop, habitually, finding ways to reject you…because I love you.