Pursuing Happiness.

There were days when I would day dream about having all that one person could want. I thought about wine red Range Rovers so much that I'd scribble images of them on my notebooks in Psychology class. I drew floor plans of massive houses with 9 holes out back for an occasional afternoon of golf with friends. (I don't even play golf). I imagined over sized closets with shoes from SoHo lining the walls. I planned on having it all. And I pursued it all. Diligently.

Then I woke up from that day dream, because I found myself trapped in a nightmare. The constant desire to attain more and to be more and to win more...turned me into someone that I didn't recognize or relate to. Status started to outweigh sincerity. People's perception of me started to matter more than my own opinion of myself. I got lost in all of it. I got lost in the pursuit. Although I thought I was pursuing happiness, I wasn't. I wanted society's version of success. I wanted everything to be bigger, more boastful, and more impressive.

But the idea of having more than everyone else just to feel more significant than everyone else got old so quickly. 1) It never worked. I was never satisfied and 2) I was exhausted from chasing after the wind all the time. Simply put, I was chasing what I could never catch. Everything slipped through my fingers because I didn't hold on to anything long enough to appreciate it.

At some point, destiny intervened and I got trapped in a bubble. I stopped winning, stopped gaining, and stopped seeing my money multiply. (I'm young but I've seen some pretty wealthy days). That bubble saved my life. I had an opportunity to see myself for what I really was. I had time to evaluate my intentions and the motivation behind my efforts to get rich and be "successful". To be honest, I really didn't like what I found. Needless to say, I started changing my concept of "happiness".

Now I just want peace in the midnight hour. I want to be able to sleep through the night without worrying about my family, finances, and future. I want to be able to feed myself every day, drive myself from point A to point B. I want to be able to hug the ones I love and dance with them instead of mourn over them. Range Rovers, as beautiful as they are, can't deliver me to the gates of heaven. Only my walk, in this life, can do that. And I'm not professing to be holy and sanctified. There are still "things" that I want. But, those things are not directly correlated with my happiness. Happiness has a lot to do with love that outlasts the pain, good food after a long day, laughter that resounds through my life, and the opportunity to be more educated.

I am only in pursuit of a few things now. True happiness is certainly one of them.