Sweet Surrender

I’ve attempted (thousands of times) to be the person everybody else wants me to be. But, today…I confess…once and for all that each time I attempt to be anyone and anything besides myself I fail miserably.

In 2004, my high school peers voted me “Most Likely to Succeed” because of my bright smile and vibrant spirit. At the time, I was honored. Months later, when I arrived on my college campus, I was overwhelmed and too anxious to live up to such intimidating expectations.

I never thought much about what I wanted to be while I growing up. I mentioned once that I wanted to be a minister and that didn’t go over well in my household. I wrote poetry and kept journals but I always got “caught” and my intimate thoughts earned me punishments so severe that I stopped recording my thoughts altogether. Once in high school, I earned a prominent position on the newspaper staff and thought I might prevail as a journalist so I held on to the nick name “Oprah Jr.” and wore it as a costume so that others might not harass me about who I truly was and what I hoped to become. When people asked what I wanted, I’d say “I want to be like Oprah” just to shut them up and preserve my inner-most desires. Truthfully, I didn’t know Oprah Winfrey personally back then…and I still don’t. I just loved her power and enthusiasm.

I realized this week, as her show concluded, that power expires. Each person exists for a season to shed light and spread love. Then, we leave this earth and hopefully…leave a legacy.

I’ve struggled, like most people I know, to determine what my legacy would be and how I could guarantee that my name would be in huge, bodacious lights. I’ve tried, on more than one occasion, to plot my way to stardom.

But today, I renew my mind and adjust my attitude about success. For years, I’ve been chasing some silhouette that I thought represented fulfillment. Consequently, I’ve never been satisfied or truly proud of my accomplishments. The same voices that I heard in 2004, prompting me to “succeed” are now in the back of my head defining success as financial abundance, earthly power, and a six-figure career.

My old dreams and aspirations are making the “new me” tired. I need a season of simplicity. I don’t want to new list of exhausting goals and to-do’s. I don’t want to over-exert myself in an effort to become a super star or a mogul. I just want to take my brother out to dinner once a week. I want to sit with my mom and share a good joke or two. I want to see my sister, Jada, more often and relive moments from our college years.

I want to visit cities that I’ve never eaten in and dance on the shore of beaches around the world that I’ve never enjoyed before …

I don’t want a big, complicated and busy life. I want to be who I was born to be…and do what I was born to do. I want to love people and encourage them to live purposeful lives. I don’t care if I’m in a bookstore, coffee shop, sanctuary, leasing office, or shoe store. If I can inspire someone or reaffirm delayed or battered dreams…then I’m complete.

Today, I say goodbye to a lifetime of exhausting projects and pursuits. I say goodbye to an overly ambitious voice within that has burned me out for the last time.
Everything I do from now on…will be a direct reflection of who I am and what I believe in.


(And that’s real).