Ghetto 'R' Us.

Tonight, I am going out. Yes. That's right. Me. Because I deserve to spend money that I don't have on drinks that I don't need...and probably won't like. I deserve to wear $200 heels on the rugged sidewalks of Raleigh and have my pretty pink toenails smashed violently at least 15 times by drunk men with tight Levi jeans on. I have earned the priveledge of standing in a line of losers and leaning on the wall of an old warehouse until its my turn to be padded down (a.k.a sexually harassed) by the bouncer with the big belly. And I absolutely cannot wait to enter into the club, full of 17 year olds with fake I.D's, in order to swallow smoke all night and, eventually, enjoy an asthma attack tomorrow morning...

By now...you know that I was being sarcastic. As always. And the motivation for my satirical ode to clubbing was a conversation that I had with a friend this morning. We were innocently gabbing about weekend plans when, both of us, started sharing all the reasons we loathe the typical club scene. And, of course, I have compiled a list of annoyances that have forced me find other artistic, creative, enriching ways to utilize my weekends. So, without further ado...here are 10 Reasons I Don't Do Typical (i.e trashy, ghetto fabulous, raunchy) Night Clubs.

1- I don't like people who smell funny. Nor do I like to stand/sit/dance/drink/laugh/talk next to people who smell like grilled cheese with onions on a Monday afternoon in August...in Texas.

2-I don't like looking at hefty individuals dance in halter tops and skinny jeans. I really hate it when those individuals are men.

3- I don't like listening to really bad music on big bodacious speakers while primary colors (strobe lights) swing wildly in an attempt to make everyone dizzy and confused so they'll forget how badly the music sucks.

4-I don't like having my butt grabbed/poked/carressed/patted by a really large (slightly frightening) butch woman while trying to hack my way through the crowd to get the disgusting, vomit-infested bathroom.

5-I don't like paying $35 for a drink with 1 tablespoon of alcohol that tastes like Kool-aid made by my little brother.

6-I don't like dancing innocently, with my friends, only to have a 72 year old veteran viciously hump me from behind and yell, "Back that thang up, baby."

7-I don't like wasting really cute outfits. It isn't cool to spend a couple of hours getting ready to go out, only to discover that everyone else in the club is dressed like low-budget porn stars...on crack.

8-I don't like paying a $20 cover to get into a club that is about as lively as a bingo game at the retirement center around the corner.

9-I HATE the fact that men can't even dance anymore. I remember when people actually had rhythm and weren't scared to get loose. If I see one more grown man doing the stanky leg, I am going to kick him. Then his stanky leg will be a broken leg...and that's no fun.

10-I despise raunchiness. I really don't like being stared down by bitter prostitutes who wish their pimps weren't so strict. When I go out, I go out to have a (classy) good time. I'm a high maintenence, uppety B with an itch. I have no problem making it known when I'm having a terrible time. And that's real.

So, in all seriousness, I really am going out tonight. But you won't catch me at ghetto-r-us.